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The single whos not that single

By Judy Porter | On November 3, 2007

If you think dating as a single is complicated, you’re about to enter the realm of dating a single parent. They say it’s a different case altogether if you’re both single parents, but you are (fortunately or unfortunately?) not one. Still, for the longest time, you’ve made it one of your rules to date someone who’s a single SINGLE, not one who comes with a kid, a bike, and a pet goldfish. For some reason though, however, you’ve found that your dating pool gravitated towards those who had a kid. And given your busy schedule, plus your online dating profile not snagging any interesting singles, you thought you’d give the parenting ones a shot.

You’d think it would be easy personality-wise. For one thing, this date has been nurturing a child for quite some time. It’s bound to be an endearing experience, and one filled with camping trips and ice cream dates. Sounds easy and too good to be true, right?

To be honest, you’d be wrong in making assumptions as early as now. For one thing, becoming a parent doesn’t make one into some two-dimensional character. Single parents can be as demanding, standoffish, possessive, irresponsible, charming, sweet, deceiving, and conning as the rest of us. The point? We take everything and everyone with a grain of salt. So this person has an offspring. That doesn’t make him or her immune to the complexities of the human race.

What you shouldn’t assume:

That you’d automatically meet the kid and be the best of friends with him/her.
That you’d fill in as the other parent.
That given enough time, you’d become a fixture in their household.
That there’s no chance of your partner and the ex getting back together. The child will always be a bond, and there WILL always be communication.
That given time, you’ll get a better time slot than the child.
That your partner is now the marrying sort because of the offspring, and would automatically want to have a full brood with you.
That the partner would be a lot more touchy-feely and in touch with sentimentalities because of the nurturing side of a parent.

What you shouldn’t do:

Ever come between your partner and the child.
Try to force the issue of the three of you (depending on the number of children) spending a lot of time together.
Make insecure remarks about how the child is more important than you.
Openly show jealousy towards the child.
Maneuver things so that the child gets to “spend” more time with the other parent. Your partner will see through this in time, I assure you.

Don’t enter into this sort of date/relationship with the intention of breaking up a family. This scenario calls for a lot more time, space, and patience. You have to give the three of you time to adjust and get to know each other. And more than getting to know the child, you should also focus on getting to know the partner.

Where are they?

Single parents are everywhere. Those you won’t meet online (who are too busy to search elsewhere) will be in the groceries, schools, gyms, sporting events, and even kid stores. It would just be a simple matter of walking into a children’s wear store and pointing out to a confused single dad that dress sizes do matter, and there you have it. Now, if that sounds too Hollywoodish for you, just log on to your favorite dating site and, chances are, there’s already a niche for single parents.

As a rule of thumb, all these would be a lot easier if you were a single parent, too. But since you’re not, approach this with as much openness to learning as you can. As your mother used to say, you’ll never really know what it’s like to be a parent until you’re one. But if you must, go ahead and buy that parenting book.